Taxol- Round 2

This was my last "red devil" or Adriamycin from Dec. 4, just for those who are curious. 

I haven't blogged in a while and I realize I need to get back into it. So, my goal is a few short posts this week. Today is another round of Taxol. Round 2 of 12. If you want to know more about Taxol or its side effects check out the link. Taxol has sure been easier than AC (Adriamycin and Cytoxan.)

With my last round of AC I had a side effect called Hand and Foot Syndrome. This is where the chemo leaks out of the capillaries of your fingers and toes causing the skin to turn red and burn. They were so painful and sensitive but they are on the mend now. The skin on all my fingertips is peeling but that isn't nearly as bad as the burning.

Last week after my first round of Taxol, I felt really pretty good for a couple of days...but when the steroids wore off, I had some nausea and exhaustion (Christmas Eve.) Needless to say, this was not a "Mom of the Year" Christmas. I've just had to let go of the guilt.



So wish me luck today and say a prayer. I should get a great nap from the Benadryl they give me prior to treatment.

#strongistand

My New Do!

 

Here is the bald clean slate starting out! 

Scott and I are going on a date tonight that we've planned for a while. Dinner at Ellerbe's in Ft. Worth, Willie Nelson at Billy Bob's and the Hyatt for the night! I've been a little down because of the side effects from chemo and I haven't felt the prettiest. I decided last night that I wanted to look like a normal pretty wife and not the pitiful chemo wife. Hence, wig shopping!

Cindy joined me this morning and we headed to Mimi's in North Dallas. The ladies were great and we had fun trying on wigs. 

And the winner!!!! I love my new wig. It doesn't feel like my head is suffocating and it is something I wouldn't have done before. I think I really like it. Gray told me, "I don't like it, I just like the bald." Bella asked if I would just wear hats to work, she's a little unsure. They'll get used to it, just like they've gotten used to the bald.

In Good Times and Bad...

I've June 2000, Scott and I met, romantically enough, in a bar. We happened to be out with mutual friends and happened to meet around closing time. I remember thinking how handsome (and tall) he was! We talked into the early morning and went on our first date just 2 days later.

That was it. I was smitten. After about a month, I knew this man was the love of my life. We dated for 3 years and were married April 12, 2003. 

After just a year, Scott decided that he needed to serve our country. He signed up with the Army Reserve in the summer of 2004. It was a rough time for us. I'll admit, I was hurt and angry that he would choose to do this. He soon left for boot camp (6 months in Missouri) and I was alone. Friends were great to try and keep me busy. This is the time where Lisa and I really became family. She and Erik were my family here in Wylie. I don't know what I would have ever done without them.

He came home for Christmas skinny, bald, and pale. I remember joking that he looked like a cancer patient. Little did I know I would look similar all these years later, but with actual cancer.

Scott deployed to Iraq when I was six months pregnant and returned 3 days before Bella was born. He then left when she was 12 days old. I remember holding my tiny daughter and bawling as we waved goodbye to him boarding the plane. 

Scott and I by no means have a perfect marriage. We've had our ups and downs. We've survived and thrived through two deployments, a miscarriage, two beautiful children and now breast cancer. God chose the perfect man to stand by my side, hold my hand and comfort me through all the tough times. That just makes the good ones that much sweeter. 

My Scott has truly lived up to the vows we took almost thirteen years ago. I'm blessed! I love him more than he will ever know. 

I've Come to Expect the Worst

I thought I knew what to expect this second time around. My oncologist said that I should know my side effects now, but he warned that the fatigue and everything else might be worse.

I just had no idea how much worse. I don't think I've ever laid around and slept for so long as I have the past few days. I literally cannot get up to get ready, eat dinner at the dining table, or play with my kids. My stomach hurts from the anti-nausea meds and nothing tastes good or sounds good to eat. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep some more. I hate that the first round set me up for thinking, "Awww this wasn't so horrible." That was a lie. It is horrible. I feel horrible. I look even worse. I look like a cancer patient now. My clothes are baggy and I just don't care. This is not one of my posts with a positive silver lining. This is 5days post treatment reality. I hate cancer because I didn't look sick or feel sick until the chemo made me sick. I hate that I'm not a good wife or mom right now. I can't do my share of anything. I know it isn't forever, but it sure feels that way now.

Eyelashes

This is what we do. Laura and I are known for spending a bulk of our time at the makeup counter, specifically the MAC counter. She has this ability to find the darkest eye shadow or the reddest lipstick and play with it until it works. I've got a knack for finding these really great new/bold products, having a professional apply it for me, then buying the same old neutral pallet I always wear. It's what we do. As a matter of fact, we do it so much that the lady at the MAC counter today told another lady that she recognized us and has worked with us before. *hanging head in shame* Some might call it a problem. I just call it habit.
Today we went out for coffee: meaning we told our husbands we were going for coffee but really we went to Pei Wei and Dillards. It wasn't planned that way. We both realized we hadn't eaten lunch so that's where Starbucks turned into Pei Wei. On our way to coffee (or Pei Wei) we talked about Laura's most recent blog post, preparations for losing her hair, and then the fear of that unknown date.
There were tears.
There was some pep talk.
There was problem solving.
And that's how Dillard's happened. It's kind of like If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. If Laura gets cancer, she'll need chemo. If she gets chemo she'll lose her hair. If she loses her hair she'll lose her eyelashes. If she loses her eyelashes she'll need fake eye lashes. Fake eye lashes means she'll need someone to show her the right way to apply them...So the MAC counter at Dillard's it is. We're problem solvers. It's a gift.
We couldn't make the entire trip all about cancer so of course we bought eye shadow and foundation just like any other trip to MAC. So, suck it cancer! It's not always about you!

A decade ago we were shopping for makeup because we wanted to try the new trends. Then it became about concealers and wrinkle removers. And now, now it's about cancer. How did that happen?

 

Laura added me as a contributor to her blog so that I could add updates and post photos along the way. Here are a couple of those photos. The first is the very first time that they connected to her port. The second is the initial injection of chemo, also known as The Red Devil. I still can't believe she did it all with a smile. She amazes me.

-Lisa

Preparations...

Here are just a few of my hoard of hair products going in to closet storage. With the he new do I don't need all the volumizers, dry shampoo and finishing sprays. I've gotten used to the shorter cut. It sure is fast to fix. 

But...the hair loss thing is scaring me more than I say. Think about it. You hair is one of the first things people notice. You get compliments, people notice the color or new style you have. A great visit to the hair salon can make your week. 

I just called and canceled the haircut I had for his week. It's very awkward to explain that you won't be needing the haircut because you won't have hair soon. I know it's coming. It's inevitable. But the part of losing is maybe isn't bothering me as much as the "unknown day of dread." I have no idea what day will be the day when I wake up to find hair on my pillow. I feel my hair as soon as I wake up, just to check. Two to four weeks after your first treatment is the average for most people. Day 14-28 is a BIG range of unknown! I do know I want to shave it before hunks come out but then again I don't want to do it too early because being bald sure makes this crap real. Lisa asked if I wanted to shave it this weekend. My response, "I'm just not ready." Because I'm not. I'm just not ready to look like a cancer patient. I'm not ready to go somewhere and have people immediately know what I'm dealing with. I want to be normal for as long as possible. I do know this is short-term, but it is still something so a part of my identity. 

Here is my bright side. I hope that in losing my hair, my daughter truly learns that beauty is not in your hair, your eyebrows or eyelashes. It's in who you project from the inside. It's being brave enough to make jokes and tease about my bald head. I want her to develop empathy for others who may not feel pretty but who truly are. She tells me often lately that she thinks I'm pretty. I really don't cry in front of her, but she knows me well enough to sense that I'm scared. I love that about her. 

This Just Sucks

That is all I can say about chemo. I feel nauseous like I did when I was pregnant with both my kids but without the promise and joy of a new baby.

I knew I would feel gross, but I had no idea. Hopefully, day 5 will be better tomorrow. Nothing really tastes good, especially water, which is weird. I hope my taste buds come back soon.

I am getting used to the hair. It's not so bad and really fast to fix. It will be less of a shock when it starts to really fall out soon.

Yesterday, mom, Lisa, Bella, and I got out for a bit. I didn't know that Lisa snuck this picture, but I have to admit that I love it. It was one of those moments of "I never want to let my baby go." She has been so worried about me and so sweet. I know this whole journey will help make my kids better people too. It will be a challenge for us all, but we will all be stronger in the end.

Beyond Blessed

My sweet sister collected all your pics for me today in a flip-o-gram. I love you Ashlee so much. She is amazing, encouraging and supportive!

View on Flipagram

And the Saga Begins...

Updated***

Apparently I wrote this when I was drugged up. I editing and now my spelling shouldn't be so atrocious.

This one will be short. I'm not feeling great but I wanted to post an update. Today began the first of 16 rounds of chemo. I had no idea that there would be so much involved. So many bags of saline and drugs.

They gave me anti nausea meds but they aren't totally working. They gave me a bit extra and that helped, but made me sleepy. I crashed for four hours when I got home. I have a rockin' auto-injector for my shot tomorrow so I don't have to go back until next week.

This is Real

So this whole thing has felt like a dream. A very bad dream. 

For the past week and a half all it has really been, is talk. I don't look sick. I don't feel sick. Yet there is something inside me that should not be there.

But yesterday, the bad dream became reality. Scott and I woke up early, got the kids off with the grandparents and we headed to Addison for my port placement. The port is this lovely device that will live under my skin, feed a tube into my jugular and directly to my heart. That way the chemo can get straight to my heart to be distributed more effectively. It will be handy, but the placement of this tiny device made all this "cancer" talk concrete.

I've kept it together pretty well. Mostly for those around me. My friends, my kids...but this particular morning I cried. And cried. And cried.

I cried the whole 30 min drive to Addison.

We listened to Oceans by Hillsong United on repeat. If you haven't heard that song, you should download it right now.

Poor Scott just reached over, held my hand and helplessly let me cry. This is my reality. This port means that chemo is starting soon. Soon, as in Thursday morning, soon.

I know I will be stronger when all this is through, I know it is a crappy journey that my family, friends, and I have to travel. I do know that you aren't the only one who goes on the journey. Every person that loves you is traveling right along with you.

Let the journey begin.

Just the Beginning...

This has been a fast and furious journey and we've only just begun. About two weeks ago, after the Garth Brooks concert, I found a lump in my right breast. It felt like a golfball in there. I made an appointment with my Ob/Gyn and he sent me for a diagnostic mammogram and possible sonogram. After getting my breast flattened to an inch in my 3D mammogram, I could clearly see the mass on the screen before me. They shuffled me to a sonogram where the Dr. confirmed that it was not a cyst, but a solid mass and a needle biopsy was needed to determine if it was cancer. 

On Monday, Scott went with me for the biopsy. Something in me already knew it was cancer. I can't explain it other that I just knew. The wait was on with a results appointment on Thursday afternoon. I think I was already grieving because I knew the verdict. As soon as we arrived, a nurse navigator took us to a room with a table and a box of kleenex...never a good sign.

She delivered the news. Breast cancer--Invasive Ductal Cell Carcinoma. 

Scott and I held each other and began to process the frightening news. How were we going to tell our parents and our kids?

After hours of crying and being unable to speak to those we love, we got ourselves together and faced the news. I decided to get the news out there so it wasn't going word of mouth. It just seemed easier this way. I've had my days to wallow and be sad and now I'm ready to fight!  I am set up with an appointment for this coming Monday with the breast surgeon. She ordered an MRI that I had yesterday after FIVE IV attempts!  I feel like a pin cushion.Hopefully, we will know more about the plan after that.

Thanks to all the amazing emails, texts, and facebook messages from all my friends. I feel so much love and support. I can't imagine living or working in any other place. I'm where God needs me to be.