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Saturday, October 8, 2016

365 Days Later

I have crafted this blog post many times in my head over the past few weeks. Yet, I had a tough time actually writing the words down. It is almost impossible to reflect or even describe the past year of my life. It was at the same time the fastest and slowest.

One year.
One year since my world was sent into a tailspin.
One year of fighting a fight I was never prepared for.
One year consisting of 10 rounds of poisoning chemo, 4 surgeries, a multitude of new scars and several short and long term side effects.

Oct. 8, 2015. A year ago Scott and I were brought into a special room by a nurse navigator and told those dreaded words, "I'm sorry to say, you have cancer." Those three little words, "You have cancer." are the most life-altering words, not only for me, but for my family and friends. All this happened in my favorite month of the year--October, or shall we say, Pinktober? Breast Cancer Awareness Month took on a whole new meaning for me. I was surrounded by pink ribbons everywhere I looked. It was a harsh daily reminder of my new normal.

If you have a close friend or family member who has battled cancer, then you have seen the true face of this ugly disease. It is not a pretty pink ribbon, pink socks, or even a walk. It is ugly and most of us hide this part of cancer from colleagues and friends. Instead, we put on our positive pants, smiles, and plow ahead for those around us. But cancer doesn't play fair.

Cancer robs you.
It robs you of your
health
hair
well-being
confidence
comfort
taste buds
intimacy
energy
mental capacity
strength
sensation
and finally--your breasts, one of the ways we define womanhood.

However, it does gift you with things too.
mouth sores
nausea
fatigue
bruises
discolored nails
neuropathy
chemo brain
weight gain
swelling
lymphedema
and scars (more than I care to count)

No, breast cancer is not a pretty pink ribbon, it's ugly and devastating.
It has not been an easy year. I never want to repeat it. Technically, I am cancer-free but really, I'm not. I will never be free of this disease. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if I'll hear those words again--since statistics reveal there is a recurrence rate of 34% with Triple Negative Breast cancer. But this year is over. I can move forward, I am brave. Strong I stand.

One year.
365 days that changed who I am forever.

Laura


Friday, August 19, 2016

The Sisterhood

It's a sisterhood I didn't apply for, but I'm proud to be a member. As soon as you hear the words, " You have breast cancer." You automatically file your application. Each member chooses how involved they want to be in "the club," whether just checking in every so often. Then there are those who become the pledge trainers, taking in the newbies and making sure everyone has information. No matter how committed, the sisterhood is part of your life. I am blessed to be a member of this group of fighters.

When you have cancer, no one truly knows what you're going through or how you're feeling except those who have gone before you. Some lead the way with positivity and others with a sadness that can be overwhelming. Everyone handles the diagnosis differently and no one way is the right way. 

One time when I went to visit the Silos in Waco, I was checking out. I was still in chemo and had no hair, only a hat on. The checker asked me if I was in treatment and when I said, "yes" she reached across the counter and hugged me, saying, "I'm a survivor too. Welcome to the sisterhood." I started crying. There is some magical bond that occurs over this devastating disease. 

Recently, while in LA for my TNBC study blood draw, I made arrangements to meet up with a new "sister" from a breast cancer Facebook group. We met for lunch and visited like we were old friends. In fact, we plan to meet up again on my next trip down. What a blessing to have these new friends all over the country and world. I hear over and over that breast cancer has blessed people's lives. I didn't understand that at the beginning of my diagnosis but I do now. I've learned so much about myself, my friends and my family facing this fight. Experiences I hope to never repeat made me stronger because I had them. So if you at some point have to join the sisterhood, know that it is an honor to fight beside some of the fiercest, strongest women, to learn from those who went before you and to help those joined after.

Blessings to all,
Laura

Thursday, June 23, 2016

It's Been A While...Update on the Next Step

I know, it has been a while since my last post. A lot has happened since the beginning of April when I last shared.

After my double mastectomy, I went through a series of fills. This is where they insert a HUGE needle into a port under the skin and fill the expanders. The purpose is to expand the skin in order to create a pocket for the final implants. The first expansion wasn't so bad. No big deal. But the second was another story entirely. I was in so much pain, I had to take the good pain meds again just to take the edge off. From there, my weekly fills weren't so bad. A little soreness, but nothing compared to that second time.

Dr. W filled them up with 800cc of saline (to capacity) so that he had some extra tissue to use for nipple reconstruction. Let's just say these babies are hard as rocks. And, 7 weeks later, the skin has stretched so that now I have low-hanging softballs on my chest! I am SO ready to get these things out. Uncomfortable is an understatement.

The good news is that next week is my "swap" surgery! They will take out the tissue expanders, lift my breasts and place the new implants that will sit high and perky. He assures me that they won't be as wide, but they will have more projection. I'll admit, I'm not totally sure what that means. I picture torpedo boobs, but I know Dr. W will make them beautiful. As a bonus, I'm getting out my Power Port (the ugly thing under my skin where they infused chemo). I am ridiculously excited about this prospect. At least the recovery should be way easier than my mastectomy.

I am often asked about how I felt having the mastectomy. Do I miss my breasts? Did I mourn the loss? Did I feel like part of my womanhood was missing? Did I cry?

The answer is different for every woman. No two of us have the same response or feelings.
YES I did miss them right after the mastectomy. I felt like something was missing. I was a DD when I went into surgery and an A when I came out. I felt boyish for a while but now, with the gradual fills, don't have that same feeling as before.

NO I didn't mourn my breasts. They have given me nothing but trouble all my life. First a breast reduction at 24 and now this.

NO I do not feel like a part of my womanhood is missing. My breasts do not make me a woman. (But these new ones are going to ROCK!)

NO I didn't cry. I think I got all that out at the beginning of this journey. Now when I cry it is for the immense gratitude I feel for my family and friends. They have given their time, support and continuous love through it all. My tears are those of joy and blessings.

So next Monday, say a quick prayer for me as I undergo the knife again. Thank you all for your comments, prayers and love. It is felt every day when I can say, "I'm cancer free!"

Much love,
Laura

Friday, April 1, 2016

In Sickness and In Health

Many of you have the privilege to know my husband Scott. He is an amazing man. Scott is so many things. He is a talented graphic designer, a soldier, an amazing father, and my best friend. To say that I love him is an understatement. In fact, going through breast cancer with him by my side as my support and rock has made me fall even more deeply in love with him. His unwavering and unconditional love has helped me keep it together through this journey. He has loved me when I was completely bald and sick, still telling me how beautiful I was. He has helped me bathe, gone to the store for me and gone to 99% of all of my doctors' appointments (that's A LOT of appointments!) He went to every chemo proudly wearing his Laura's Tribe shirt. He has held me as I cried and dried my tears. There is no way in the world I could have done any of this without him. We are celebrating our 13th anniversary on April 12. God blessed me with a marriage of ups and downs but with the love to make it through them all. I love you Scott Moore. You are the love of my life!


Monday, March 14, 2016

The "Girls" are Gone Part 2

So, I'm almost 2 weeks out of my double mastectomy surgery. I am SO ready to get these drains out. For those that do not know, they insert tubes around your breasts on the inside to drain any excess fluid and the tubes come out of your skin on your sides and drain into these ever so pretty bulbs. You then have to empty and measure the fluid twice a day. Yuck! This also means that I have to wear these gorgeous camis and bras with little pockets to hold the drains. Which means, not only do I not have breasts, but I also look lumpy at the same time!

Thanks to Wende and Jason for the loan of my "bed" the oh-so-comfy 1990's recliner! I have finally moved back to my bed at night but the recliner was still the best. I set myself a throne area. I have the remotes of course, books, chapstick, and my iPad. I was pretty out of it for a few days following surgery, but now, I'm feeling much better, just a bit sore still, and itchy!

I've realized that I have a hard time sitting still and recovering. I had to read a post on Facebook last night to remind myself that I am not being lazy, I am recovering. It is hard not to get up and do chores, clean the kitchen, etc. My mom was so good to remind me to take it easy and SIT DOWN!

I was so blessed to have my amazing mom in town for TWO WHOLE WEEKS! She is simply incredible. Laundry, taking care of me, sleeping on the couch so that she could help give me my meds in the night, playing with the grandkids, sewing, making cookies, cleaning the kitchen, and taking care of Stacy. I don't know how she does it all. My heart broke a bit when she left yesterday. I got so used to having her come up for all my rough AC chemos that we both went through withdrawals. The house was a little too quiet this morning. The kids back at school, mom and Stacy gone...just Scott and I here.

So...I am going to compile a list of things I'd like to do that I never make time for anymore while I am taking it easy and recovering.

watercolor painting, crafts, reading, writing, napping...that's a good start. :)

Laura

Sunday, March 6, 2016

The "Girls" are Gone Part 1

Disclaimer: I am on some good pain meds so please disregard my grammar or spelling or even any bizarre comments.

Well, I am a few days out from surgery and I think I am healing pretty good.

On Wednesday morning, March 2, we headed to the hospital to be there by 5:30am. My friend Tracy's mom works at the hospital and arranged for me to be a VIP patient for my stay. They brought me hats and a prayer shawl while I waited to be called back. If you haven't heard of a prayer shawl, it is a shawl either crocheted or knitted where each stitch is prayed over.

We were called back to a tiny pre-op room where about 5 family members crowded around my bed, hugged, kissed and prayed for me. My doctor wanted me to be warm so they brought in a "blow up" blanket that resembled a swimming raft. The anesthesiologist gave me some meds to take the edge off which pretty much knocked me out and I have no recollection of anything after that.

Apparently the surgery went well. My family said that it was a little over 4 hours. Dr. A removed my sentinel node to test for cancer and none was detected. We are now waiting for pathoology from the tissue and other nodes that were removed. Wednesday was pretty much a blur. I react to meds by pretty much sleeping all the time. For example, I was eating dinner and I fell asleep with my fork in my hand with a food on it. I'm like a narcoleptic.  So if you saw me or talked to me on Wednesday, I probably don't remember it. I know I Facetimed with my kids so they could see my face. I don't remember what we talked about though.

Walking around was encouraged every 2-3 hours and I was slow. I slept well through the night except for the interruptions by the nurses doing vitals. I must throw in that I had wonderful service at Baylor Plano. The nurses, techs, food workers, everyone was so kind and friendly.

By the end of Wednesday, I still hadn't seen the incisions. I was very bandaged up and all I could tell was that I was flat as a pancake.

I'm starting to get a little sleepy now, so I'll pause and pick up in part 2. Thank you for all your many prayers, love, notes, Facebook posts, and hugs as I went through this next difficult step. I pray that everyone could feel as loved as I do.

Laura

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Here We Go

It's about that time. I'm up early this morning, a little loopy from my anti nausea patch. I can't believe that today is the day. I'm listening to Oceans by Hillsing United and I know my faith is strong and I trust in Him to take care of me and comfort my family. I will be forever changed today.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Time is Ticking Down...

I am now feeling much better about the "new plan." Surgery is set for March 2! That is coming up so soon. I'm more excited at this point than nervous. I have a pre-op appointment with both the breast surgeon and plastic surgeon in the week prior surgery. Here is a video showing the options and how breast reconstruction works. I am not having any of the flaps, mine should be implants only.

I have also been watching some YouTube videos that show what the expanders look like after the mastectomy. I'll attach a link so if you are interested you can check it out. Here is one that is 3 months post-op. She shows what they first looked like after surgery and then how they look 3 months later. I wasn't prepared for how awkward they look and how hard. I've heard the expanders are really uncomfortable, but they look like solid rocks attached to your body.

I am starting to shop for satin jammies (they help you slide out of bed easier) and soft, loose, button front or zipper front shirts. I guess I can finish binge-watching House of Cards while I am laid up.

So let the countdown begin.

Much love to all of you.

Laura

Friday, February 5, 2016

The New Plan--No More Chemo!

I am usually a very flexible person. Change really doesn't faze me too badly. If my original plan deviates, I can normally go with the flow. However, my health plan is the exception.

When my oncologist says that I need 16 treatments, then I NEED 16 treatments. So when I went to have my normal Monday chemo treatment, I was thrown off when he said that we needed to hold off because of my neuropathy. My fingertips and nails were so painful I couldn't button my own shirt. Apparently the neuropathy can become permanent and as a writing teacher, hurting to hold a pencil was a problem. Dr. M wanted to consult his colleagues to decide how to proceed. (I LOVE my oncologist! He always calls me back himself and always listens to me.) Anyway, he called me on Tuesday to say that we were going to stop chemo and proceed to surgery. In that moment when I should have been elated to stop streaming poison into my body, all I could think of was, "this isn't part of the plan." What happens if we don't finish? Will the cancer come back? Will I need chemo again after surgery? I really didn't know what to think or how I felt.

That same night a new breast cancer sister took me to my first support group. These ladies helped me process through my thoughts and feelings. I definitely felt much better afterwards. I'm still a little on the fence about my feelings, but after seeing the plastic surgeon yesterday, I am getting excited. If we do the surgery earlier than I expected, it may fall around spring break which allows me to take off less days (that I don't have) so I don't get docked. It could be a really good thing. I'll have more time to heal before summer as well.

So for right now, it looks as if I will be having surgery any time after Feb. 24th. I don't have a date yet, but I'll keep everyone posted.

Much Love,
Laura

Monday, January 25, 2016

My Chemo Playlist

This has been an emotional journey so far. Music seems to be something that sometimes speaks to you in the most emotional and intense situations. Have you ever had the right song come one at the right time that just sums up all your feelings? I have. 

Here is my playlist and how it has progressed through the school year. I hope you hear something that speaks to you as well. 

Before diagnosis, my song was Renegades by X Ambassadors. The words and the beat just spoke to me. I used this song as a close reading/ writing from a poem or song for LITcamp. It's awesome!
One that has been a song that I go back to often has been The Hurt and the Healer by Mercy Me. Just listen to the words. God wants to heal his children.


Of course we can't forget Fight Song by Rachel Platten.
Oceans by Hillsong United is what I listened to as I cried the entire drive to get my port placed. It was the day that my cancer became a physical reality. 
I can't remember who sent this song to me, but it is beautiful. Just be Held by Casting Crowns.
Another X Ambassadors song made it to the mix. It sums up how much I am having to be vulnerable and lean on others around me. Unsteady

One that I love that just puts me in a good mood is Lovely Day by Bill Withers. You can't help but sing along. 

My final song was added today. It is one that Joan Lunden mentioned in an article where she talked about Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Beautiful by Carol King.
Enjoy and I hope you found something that may have spoken to you. 

Sunday, January 24, 2016

It's Harder Than it Looks


So this is the work that goes into concealing the real face of cancer. A little over three months into chemo and I am down to a few eyebrow hairs and eyelashes.

It's harder than it looks to get ready in the morning. You have to draw/paint on your eyebrows and master fake lashes. Fake lashes take more practice than I ever imagined. I've found some that I like but it still takes forever in the mornings. For those of you that say, "Man, you look great!" you don't see the starting point in the morning. Praise the Lord that I loved makeup before all this!

Monday, January 4, 2016

Ignorance is Bliss...Until it Isn't

Is this not the most beautiful wreath ever? Dori O'Neal made it for me. She took care of my cousin's twins as if they were her own since they were born and has been a part of their "framily" (My word for those friends so close that they may as well be related.) I love it, thank you for blessing me, Dori.


So I've heard that ignorance is bliss. Sometimes it is, but often it is a coping skill for denial.

When I was first diagnosed in October, all I could do was focus on the task at hand...and that was chemo. What would it be like? When will my hair fall out? Will I be able to work? What should I expect? How will my family and friends handle this? My world was full of questions and I could only really focus on that aspect of my cancer.

Sure I knew I was triple negative and that I didn't have any markers for hormone receptors. (That means that my cancer is not fed by hormones.) I bet you didn't know that there were multiple types of breast cancer? Neither did I until you're in it, or know someone who is. All this time, I've convinced myself that triple negative is the "easier" of the two. I won't have continued chemo pills, no port, no Herceptin for 5 years. When I'm done with all the chemo and surgeries, I'm done, or so I thought...

I finally started researching triple negative breast cancer. Here are some facts and tidbits. I know my cancer responds to chemo best because of its grade, but is also the kind more likely to reoccur in other parts of the body. After talking with my oncologist today and asking about how we go about screening for cancer over the next 5 years, the answer was vague. There are no tried and true ways to scan other than mammograms. The problem is that TNBC often shows up in other parts of the body, like the liver, bones, etc. I am worried that I will be hyper sensitive to every little ache and pain. Who knows? Maybe ignorance was bliss. 
What Is Triple Negative Breast Cancer Infographic

 

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