Ignorance is Bliss...Until it Isn't

Is this not the most beautiful wreath ever? Dori O'Neal made it for me. She took care of my cousin's twins as if they were her own since they were born and has been a part of their "framily" (My word for those friends so close that they may as well be related.) I love it, thank you for blessing me, Dori.

So I've heard that ignorance is bliss. Sometimes it is, but often it is a coping skill for denial.

When I was first diagnosed in October, all I could do was focus on the task at hand...and that was chemo. What would it be like? When will my hair fall out? Will I be able to work? What should I expect? How will my family and friends handle this? My world was full of questions and I could only really focus on that aspect of my cancer.

Sure I knew I was triple negative and that I didn't have any markers for hormone receptors. (That means that my cancer is not fed by hormones.) I bet you didn't know that there were multiple types of breast cancer? Neither did I until you're in it, or know someone who is. All this time, I've convinced myself that triple negative is the "easier" of the two. I won't have continued chemo pills, no port, no Herceptin for 5 years. When I'm done with all the chemo and surgeries, I'm done, or so I thought...

I finally started researching triple negative breast cancer. Here are some facts and tidbits. I know my cancer responds to chemo best because of its grade, but is also the kind more likely to reoccur in other parts of the body. After talking with my oncologist today and asking about how we go about screening for cancer over the next 5 years, the answer was vague. There are no tried and true ways to scan other than mammograms. The problem is that TNBC often shows up in other parts of the body, like the liver, bones, etc. I am worried that I will be hyper sensitive to every little ache and pain. Who knows? Maybe ignorance was bliss. 

Taxol- Round 2

This was my last "red devil" or Adriamycin from Dec. 4, just for those who are curious. 

I haven't blogged in a while and I realize I need to get back into it. So, my goal is a few short posts this week. Today is another round of Taxol. Round 2 of 12. If you want to know more about Taxol or its side effects check out the link. Taxol has sure been easier than AC (Adriamycin and Cytoxan.)

With my last round of AC I had a side effect called Hand and Foot Syndrome. This is where the chemo leaks out of the capillaries of your fingers and toes causing the skin to turn red and burn. They were so painful and sensitive but they are on the mend now. The skin on all my fingertips is peeling but that isn't nearly as bad as the burning.

Last week after my first round of Taxol, I felt really pretty good for a couple of days...but when the steroids wore off, I had some nausea and exhaustion (Christmas Eve.) Needless to say, this was not a "Mom of the Year" Christmas. I've just had to let go of the guilt.



So wish me luck today and say a prayer. I should get a great nap from the Benadryl they give me prior to treatment.

#strongistand

My New Do!

 

Here is the bald clean slate starting out! 

Scott and I are going on a date tonight that we've planned for a while. Dinner at Ellerbe's in Ft. Worth, Willie Nelson at Billy Bob's and the Hyatt for the night! I've been a little down because of the side effects from chemo and I haven't felt the prettiest. I decided last night that I wanted to look like a normal pretty wife and not the pitiful chemo wife. Hence, wig shopping!

Cindy joined me this morning and we headed to Mimi's in North Dallas. The ladies were great and we had fun trying on wigs. 

And the winner!!!! I love my new wig. It doesn't feel like my head is suffocating and it is something I wouldn't have done before. I think I really like it. Gray told me, "I don't like it, I just like the bald." Bella asked if I would just wear hats to work, she's a little unsure. They'll get used to it, just like they've gotten used to the bald.

In Good Times and Bad...

I've June 2000, Scott and I met, romantically enough, in a bar. We happened to be out with mutual friends and happened to meet around closing time. I remember thinking how handsome (and tall) he was! We talked into the early morning and went on our first date just 2 days later.

That was it. I was smitten. After about a month, I knew this man was the love of my life. We dated for 3 years and were married April 12, 2003. 

After just a year, Scott decided that he needed to serve our country. He signed up with the Army Reserve in the summer of 2004. It was a rough time for us. I'll admit, I was hurt and angry that he would choose to do this. He soon left for boot camp (6 months in Missouri) and I was alone. Friends were great to try and keep me busy. This is the time where Lisa and I really became family. She and Erik were my family here in Wylie. I don't know what I would have ever done without them.

He came home for Christmas skinny, bald, and pale. I remember joking that he looked like a cancer patient. Little did I know I would look similar all these years later, but with actual cancer.

Scott deployed to Iraq when I was six months pregnant and returned 3 days before Bella was born. He then left when she was 12 days old. I remember holding my tiny daughter and bawling as we waved goodbye to him boarding the plane. 

Scott and I by no means have a perfect marriage. We've had our ups and downs. We've survived and thrived through two deployments, a miscarriage, two beautiful children and now breast cancer. God chose the perfect man to stand by my side, hold my hand and comfort me through all the tough times. That just makes the good ones that much sweeter. 

My Scott has truly lived up to the vows we took almost thirteen years ago. I'm blessed! I love him more than he will ever know. 

I've Come to Expect the Worst

I thought I knew what to expect this second time around. My oncologist said that I should know my side effects now, but he warned that the fatigue and everything else might be worse.

I just had no idea how much worse. I don't think I've ever laid around and slept for so long as I have the past few days. I literally cannot get up to get ready, eat dinner at the dining table, or play with my kids. My stomach hurts from the anti-nausea meds and nothing tastes good or sounds good to eat. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep some more. I hate that the first round set me up for thinking, "Awww this wasn't so horrible." That was a lie. It is horrible. I feel horrible. I look even worse. I look like a cancer patient now. My clothes are baggy and I just don't care. This is not one of my posts with a positive silver lining. This is 5days post treatment reality. I hate cancer because I didn't look sick or feel sick until the chemo made me sick. I hate that I'm not a good wife or mom right now. I can't do my share of anything. I know it isn't forever, but it sure feels that way now.

Eyelashes

This is what we do. Laura and I are known for spending a bulk of our time at the makeup counter, specifically the MAC counter. She has this ability to find the darkest eye shadow or the reddest lipstick and play with it until it works. I've got a knack for finding these really great new/bold products, having a professional apply it for me, then buying the same old neutral pallet I always wear. It's what we do. As a matter of fact, we do it so much that the lady at the MAC counter today told another lady that she recognized us and has worked with us before. *hanging head in shame* Some might call it a problem. I just call it habit.
Today we went out for coffee: meaning we told our husbands we were going for coffee but really we went to Pei Wei and Dillards. It wasn't planned that way. We both realized we hadn't eaten lunch so that's where Starbucks turned into Pei Wei. On our way to coffee (or Pei Wei) we talked about Laura's most recent blog post, preparations for losing her hair, and then the fear of that unknown date.
There were tears.
There was some pep talk.
There was problem solving.
And that's how Dillard's happened. It's kind of like If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. If Laura gets cancer, she'll need chemo. If she gets chemo she'll lose her hair. If she loses her hair she'll lose her eyelashes. If she loses her eyelashes she'll need fake eye lashes. Fake eye lashes means she'll need someone to show her the right way to apply them...So the MAC counter at Dillard's it is. We're problem solvers. It's a gift.
We couldn't make the entire trip all about cancer so of course we bought eye shadow and foundation just like any other trip to MAC. So, suck it cancer! It's not always about you!

A decade ago we were shopping for makeup because we wanted to try the new trends. Then it became about concealers and wrinkle removers. And now, now it's about cancer. How did that happen?

 

Laura added me as a contributor to her blog so that I could add updates and post photos along the way. Here are a couple of those photos. The first is the very first time that they connected to her port. The second is the initial injection of chemo, also known as The Red Devil. I still can't believe she did it all with a smile. She amazes me.

-Lisa

Preparations...

Here are just a few of my hoard of hair products going in to closet storage. With the he new do I don't need all the volumizers, dry shampoo and finishing sprays. I've gotten used to the shorter cut. It sure is fast to fix. 

But...the hair loss thing is scaring me more than I say. Think about it. You hair is one of the first things people notice. You get compliments, people notice the color or new style you have. A great visit to the hair salon can make your week. 

I just called and canceled the haircut I had for his week. It's very awkward to explain that you won't be needing the haircut because you won't have hair soon. I know it's coming. It's inevitable. But the part of losing is maybe isn't bothering me as much as the "unknown day of dread." I have no idea what day will be the day when I wake up to find hair on my pillow. I feel my hair as soon as I wake up, just to check. Two to four weeks after your first treatment is the average for most people. Day 14-28 is a BIG range of unknown! I do know I want to shave it before hunks come out but then again I don't want to do it too early because being bald sure makes this crap real. Lisa asked if I wanted to shave it this weekend. My response, "I'm just not ready." Because I'm not. I'm just not ready to look like a cancer patient. I'm not ready to go somewhere and have people immediately know what I'm dealing with. I want to be normal for as long as possible. I do know this is short-term, but it is still something so a part of my identity. 

Here is my bright side. I hope that in losing my hair, my daughter truly learns that beauty is not in your hair, your eyebrows or eyelashes. It's in who you project from the inside. It's being brave enough to make jokes and tease about my bald head. I want her to develop empathy for others who may not feel pretty but who truly are. She tells me often lately that she thinks I'm pretty. I really don't cry in front of her, but she knows me well enough to sense that I'm scared. I love that about her.