I Hate My Foobs!

You may be asking yourself, “What are foobs?”

Well, foobs are what us ladies who have undergone mastectomy and reconstruction call our fake boobs.

 Fake + boobs = foobs.

I remember when I was just starting treatment and I thought to myself, "Hey, at least I'll get some perky boobs!" You assume, one or two surgeries and done. But no, the surgeries and revisions seem to never end. For a while now, I’ve not liked my implants. Granted, when I was getting ready for the mastectomy, I convinced myself that my new fake boobies would be beautiful and amazing. I was sure wrong.

You see, when women who haven’t had a mastectomy get implants, they have breast tissue to sit on top of the implants and pec muscle. When you have a mastectomy, the only thing covering the implants is a thin layers of skin and part of the pec muscle. So all ripples show and the strange plastic feeling of the implants can be felt easily. My breasts are cold, again, only a thin layer of skin cover them. They don’t move or look like real breasts when they aren’t covered with clothes. I also now have symmastia (basically, a uniboob) and my implants have rotated so they look lumpy. Needless to say, my confidence is shaken by the fakeness of these foobs.

And it’s a God thing that I’m moving down the path I’m now headed. I was all ready to get my 3-D nipple tattoos when my left implant rotated. I knew something wasn’t quite right. So I made an appointment with my plastic surgeon. Yep, I needed a revision. But I had started thinking about another procedure that I dismissed while making my initial decision. DIEP flap surgery. Basically, you are cut hip to hip and the plastic surgeon uses your tummy fat and blood vessels to create new boobs. It's about a 6-8 hour surgery, 5 days in the hospital, 2 days in ICU BUT the benefit is that it is my tissue, it moves, is warm, ages with me, and I probably won't need but a couple of surgeries. I started shopping around for a plastic surgeon who was a master at this procedure as it requires the doctor to be a microsurgeon. Through one of my "breasties" I found my surgeon.

 I am excited to start this journey to maybe feel a little more like myself. Soooo, of course, I am no easy case. But my super thoughtful PS wants to start with a first procedure tomorrow. He will remove the implant, the capsule surrounding it, fix the symmastia and put in expanders...again. Then later in the fall, I will have the big surgery. Summer and the time before school starting is my busiest and I just can't take off during that time.

So wish me luck, say a prayer, as I embark on my fifth reconstruction surgery!

Warmly,
 Laura

365 Days Later

I have crafted this blog post many times in my head over the past few weeks. Yet, I had a tough time actually writing the words down. It is almost impossible to reflect or even describe the past year of my life. It was at the same time the fastest and slowest.

One year.
One year since my world was sent into a tailspin.
One year of fighting a fight I was never prepared for.
One year consisting of 10 rounds of poisoning chemo, 4 surgeries, a multitude of new scars and several short and long term side effects.

Oct. 8, 2015. A year ago Scott and I were brought into a special room by a nurse navigator and told those dreaded words, "I'm sorry to say, you have cancer." Those three little words, "You have cancer." are the most life-altering words, not only for me, but for my family and friends. All this happened in my favorite month of the year--October, or shall we say, Pinktober? Breast Cancer Awareness Month took on a whole new meaning for me. I was surrounded by pink ribbons everywhere I looked. It was a harsh daily reminder of my new normal.

If you have a close friend or family member who has battled cancer, then you have seen the true face of this ugly disease. It is not a pretty pink ribbon, pink socks, or even a walk. It is ugly and most of us hide this part of cancer from colleagues and friends. Instead, we put on our positive pants, smiles, and plow ahead for those around us. But cancer doesn't play fair.

Cancer robs you.
It robs you of your
health
hair
well-being
confidence
comfort
taste buds
intimacy
energy
mental capacity
strength
sensation
and finally--your breasts, one of the ways we define womanhood.

However, it does gift you with things too.
mouth sores
nausea
fatigue
bruises
discolored nails
neuropathy
chemo brain
weight gain
swelling
lymphedema
and scars (more than I care to count)

No, breast cancer is not a pretty pink ribbon, it's ugly and devastating.
It has not been an easy year. I never want to repeat it. Technically, I am cancer-free but really, I'm not. I will never be free of this disease. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if I'll hear those words again--since statistics reveal there is a recurrence rate of 34% with Triple Negative Breast cancer. But this year is over. I can move forward, I am brave. Strong I stand.

One year.
365 days that changed who I am forever.

Laura