I Hate My Foobs!

You may be asking yourself, “What are foobs?”

Well, foobs are what us ladies who have undergone mastectomy and reconstruction call our fake boobs.

 Fake + boobs = foobs.

I remember when I was just starting treatment and I thought to myself, "Hey, at least I'll get some perky boobs!" You assume, one or two surgeries and done. But no, the surgeries and revisions seem to never end. For a while now, I’ve not liked my implants. Granted, when I was getting ready for the mastectomy, I convinced myself that my new fake boobies would be beautiful and amazing. I was sure wrong.

You see, when women who haven’t had a mastectomy get implants, they have breast tissue to sit on top of the implants and pec muscle. When you have a mastectomy, the only thing covering the implants is a thin layers of skin and part of the pec muscle. So all ripples show and the strange plastic feeling of the implants can be felt easily. My breasts are cold, again, only a thin layer of skin cover them. They don’t move or look like real breasts when they aren’t covered with clothes. I also now have symmastia (basically, a uniboob) and my implants have rotated so they look lumpy. Needless to say, my confidence is shaken by the fakeness of these foobs.

And it’s a God thing that I’m moving down the path I’m now headed. I was all ready to get my 3-D nipple tattoos when my left implant rotated. I knew something wasn’t quite right. So I made an appointment with my plastic surgeon. Yep, I needed a revision. But I had started thinking about another procedure that I dismissed while making my initial decision. DIEP flap surgery. Basically, you are cut hip to hip and the plastic surgeon uses your tummy fat and blood vessels to create new boobs. It's about a 6-8 hour surgery, 5 days in the hospital, 2 days in ICU BUT the benefit is that it is my tissue, it moves, is warm, ages with me, and I probably won't need but a couple of surgeries. I started shopping around for a plastic surgeon who was a master at this procedure as it requires the doctor to be a microsurgeon. Through one of my "breasties" I found my surgeon.

 I am excited to start this journey to maybe feel a little more like myself. Soooo, of course, I am no easy case. But my super thoughtful PS wants to start with a first procedure tomorrow. He will remove the implant, the capsule surrounding it, fix the symmastia and put in expanders...again. Then later in the fall, I will have the big surgery. Summer and the time before school starting is my busiest and I just can't take off during that time.

So wish me luck, say a prayer, as I embark on my fifth reconstruction surgery!

Warmly,
 Laura

Cancer...The Gift That Keeps on Giving.

My right hand has lymphedema. You can see the swelling. 

Me, wearing the pump. aka the Brown Beast

 So you may be wondering about the brown torture-looking device I have on. Well, this is one of the treatments for the newest gift of breast cancer---lymphedema. When you have surgery for breast cancer, either lumpectomy or mastectomy, the removal of lymph nodes for testing is a given. However, once you have lymph nodes removed you are forever at risk for developing lymphedema. It is a chronic condition that does not go away, it is only managed. The big bummer is that no one can predict if they will get lymphedema. Some women have 30+ nodes removed and never get it and super lucky ones who only have 2-3 nodes removed do get it. Woohoo! I'm the lucky one again! You may be wondering, what exactly is lymphedema? At the end of the post I shared some links and a video for your viewing pleasure.

After the removal of the nodes, you are told to protect your affected arm at all costs. NO blood pressure. NO flu shot. NO blood draws. NO insect bites. NO sunburn. NO extreme temperature changes. NO trauma. You get the picture. By the way, if you Google images of lymphedema, be prepared. It is not a pretty site if you let it go too far. Hence, my tenacity at finding an answer to my pain.

Little did I know that carrying a DRA kit out of a campus door would lead to this frustrating condition. I scraped my hand along a door of the building and gave myself a deep bruise. That bruise was just below my index and middle fingers on my right hand. Guess which two fingers swell the most? At the time, I had no idea that one bruise would lead to all this. This was right before Christmas and I couldn't figure out why I was hurting so bad. I had no explanation and never suspected lymphedema. I didn't think that lymphedema hurt.

My unexplained traveled from my hand, up my arm, and into my armpit area. My oncologist ruled out a blood clot. But still not having an answer for the pain, I saw yet another doctor. This one said it was tendonitis and gave me a shot in the wrist. (Remeber, I'm not supposed to have shots in this arm...) He also put me in a brace which I wore for about a month with no relief. Finally, after seeing my oncologist again, he referred me to physical therapy for lymphedema. Maybe this was the answer! Frankly, I needed an answer. I was beyond frustrated at not having an answer for my pain.

I met with an OT and PT who both specialize in lymphedema.  These ladies have helped so much and I DO have an answer to my pain. They have helped me learn and educate myself about my lymphatic system and helped me get the Brown Beast, a lymphatic therapy pump which mimics the manual drainage massage of the therapist. The next step is to get the swelling down in my hand so we can have a custom garment made for my hand and arm. I am thinking I may need one that looks like a robot arm. ;) It is a work in progress and a condition I will have to deal with forever. That is the crappy part. So just when you think you are done with cancer...BAM! another fun surprise from the gift that keeps on giving.

Here are some links if you want to know more about lymphedema.

BreastCancer.org
http://lymphedematreatmentact.org/

Warmly,

Laura

365 Days Later

I have crafted this blog post many times in my head over the past few weeks. Yet, I had a tough time actually writing the words down. It is almost impossible to reflect or even describe the past year of my life. It was at the same time the fastest and slowest.

One year.
One year since my world was sent into a tailspin.
One year of fighting a fight I was never prepared for.
One year consisting of 10 rounds of poisoning chemo, 4 surgeries, a multitude of new scars and several short and long term side effects.

Oct. 8, 2015. A year ago Scott and I were brought into a special room by a nurse navigator and told those dreaded words, "I'm sorry to say, you have cancer." Those three little words, "You have cancer." are the most life-altering words, not only for me, but for my family and friends. All this happened in my favorite month of the year--October, or shall we say, Pinktober? Breast Cancer Awareness Month took on a whole new meaning for me. I was surrounded by pink ribbons everywhere I looked. It was a harsh daily reminder of my new normal.

If you have a close friend or family member who has battled cancer, then you have seen the true face of this ugly disease. It is not a pretty pink ribbon, pink socks, or even a walk. It is ugly and most of us hide this part of cancer from colleagues and friends. Instead, we put on our positive pants, smiles, and plow ahead for those around us. But cancer doesn't play fair.

Cancer robs you.
It robs you of your
health
hair
well-being
confidence
comfort
taste buds
intimacy
energy
mental capacity
strength
sensation
and finally--your breasts, one of the ways we define womanhood.

However, it does gift you with things too.
mouth sores
nausea
fatigue
bruises
discolored nails
neuropathy
chemo brain
weight gain
swelling
lymphedema
and scars (more than I care to count)

No, breast cancer is not a pretty pink ribbon, it's ugly and devastating.
It has not been an easy year. I never want to repeat it. Technically, I am cancer-free but really, I'm not. I will never be free of this disease. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if I'll hear those words again--since statistics reveal there is a recurrence rate of 34% with Triple Negative Breast cancer. But this year is over. I can move forward, I am brave. Strong I stand.

One year.
365 days that changed who I am forever.

Laura

The "Girls" are Gone Part 2

So, I'm almost 2 weeks out of my double mastectomy surgery. I am SO ready to get these drains out. For those that do not know, they insert tubes around your breasts on the inside to drain any excess fluid and the tubes come out of your skin on your sides and drain into these ever so pretty bulbs. You then have to empty and measure the fluid twice a day. Yuck! This also means that I have to wear these gorgeous camis and bras with little pockets to hold the drains. Which means, not only do I not have breasts, but I also look lumpy at the same time!

Thanks to Wende and Jason for the loan of my "bed" the oh-so-comfy 1990's recliner! I have finally moved back to my bed at night but the recliner was still the best. I set myself a throne area. I have the remotes of course, books, chapstick, and my iPad. I was pretty out of it for a few days following surgery, but now, I'm feeling much better, just a bit sore still, and itchy!

I've realized that I have a hard time sitting still and recovering. I had to read a post on Facebook last night to remind myself that I am not being lazy, I am recovering. It is hard not to get up and do chores, clean the kitchen, etc. My mom was so good to remind me to take it easy and SIT DOWN!

I was so blessed to have my amazing mom in town for TWO WHOLE WEEKS! She is simply incredible. Laundry, taking care of me, sleeping on the couch so that she could help give me my meds in the night, playing with the grandkids, sewing, making cookies, cleaning the kitchen, and taking care of Stacy. I don't know how she does it all. My heart broke a bit when she left yesterday. I got so used to having her come up for all my rough AC chemos that we both went through withdrawals. The house was a little too quiet this morning. The kids back at school, mom and Stacy gone...just Scott and I here.

So...I am going to compile a list of things I'd like to do that I never make time for anymore while I am taking it easy and recovering.

watercolor painting, crafts, reading, writing, napping...that's a good start. :)

Laura

Time is Ticking Down...

I am now feeling much better about the "new plan." Surgery is set for March 2! That is coming up so soon. I'm more excited at this point than nervous. I have a pre-op appointment with both the breast surgeon and plastic surgeon in the week prior surgery. Here is a video showing the options and how breast reconstruction works. I am not having any of the flaps, mine should be implants only.

I have also been watching some YouTube videos that show what the expanders look like after the mastectomy. I'll attach a link so if you are interested you can check it out. Here is one that is 3 months post-op. She shows what they first looked like after surgery and then how they look 3 months later. I wasn't prepared for how awkward they look and how hard. I've heard the expanders are really uncomfortable, but they look like solid rocks attached to your body.

I am starting to shop for satin jammies (they help you slide out of bed easier) and soft, loose, button front or zipper front shirts. I guess I can finish binge-watching House of Cards while I am laid up.

So let the countdown begin.

Much love to all of you.

Laura