365 Days Later

I have crafted this blog post many times in my head over the past few weeks. Yet, I had a tough time actually writing the words down. It is almost impossible to reflect or even describe the past year of my life. It was at the same time the fastest and slowest.

One year.
One year since my world was sent into a tailspin.
One year of fighting a fight I was never prepared for.
One year consisting of 10 rounds of poisoning chemo, 4 surgeries, a multitude of new scars and several short and long term side effects.

Oct. 8, 2015. A year ago Scott and I were brought into a special room by a nurse navigator and told those dreaded words, "I'm sorry to say, you have cancer." Those three little words, "You have cancer." are the most life-altering words, not only for me, but for my family and friends. All this happened in my favorite month of the year--October, or shall we say, Pinktober? Breast Cancer Awareness Month took on a whole new meaning for me. I was surrounded by pink ribbons everywhere I looked. It was a harsh daily reminder of my new normal.

If you have a close friend or family member who has battled cancer, then you have seen the true face of this ugly disease. It is not a pretty pink ribbon, pink socks, or even a walk. It is ugly and most of us hide this part of cancer from colleagues and friends. Instead, we put on our positive pants, smiles, and plow ahead for those around us. But cancer doesn't play fair.

Cancer robs you.
It robs you of your
health
hair
well-being
confidence
comfort
taste buds
intimacy
energy
mental capacity
strength
sensation
and finally--your breasts, one of the ways we define womanhood.

However, it does gift you with things too.
mouth sores
nausea
fatigue
bruises
discolored nails
neuropathy
chemo brain
weight gain
swelling
lymphedema
and scars (more than I care to count)

No, breast cancer is not a pretty pink ribbon, it's ugly and devastating.
It has not been an easy year. I never want to repeat it. Technically, I am cancer-free but really, I'm not. I will never be free of this disease. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if I'll hear those words again--since statistics reveal there is a recurrence rate of 34% with Triple Negative Breast cancer. But this year is over. I can move forward, I am brave. Strong I stand.

One year.
365 days that changed who I am forever.

Laura

The Sisterhood

It's a sisterhood I didn't apply for, but I'm proud to be a member. As soon as you hear the words, " You have breast cancer." You automatically file your application. Each member chooses how involved they want to be in "the club," whether just checking in every so often. Then there are those who become the pledge trainers, taking in the newbies and making sure everyone has information. No matter how committed, the sisterhood is part of your life. I am blessed to be a member of this group of fighters.

When you have cancer, no one truly knows what you're going through or how you're feeling except those who have gone before you. Some lead the way with positivity and others with a sadness that can be overwhelming. Everyone handles the diagnosis differently and no one way is the right way. 

One time when I went to visit the Silos in Waco, I was checking out. I was still in chemo and had no hair, only a hat on. The checker asked me if I was in treatment and when I said, "yes" she reached across the counter and hugged me, saying, "I'm a survivor too. Welcome to the sisterhood." I started crying. There is some magical bond that occurs over this devastating disease. 

Recently, while in LA for my TNBC study blood draw, I made arrangements to meet up with a new "sister" from a breast cancer Facebook group. We met for lunch and visited like we were old friends. In fact, we plan to meet up again on my next trip down. What a blessing to have these new friends all over the country and world. I hear over and over that breast cancer has blessed people's lives. I didn't understand that at the beginning of my diagnosis but I do now. I've learned so much about myself, my friends and my family facing this fight. Experiences I hope to never repeat made me stronger because I had them. So if you at some point have to join the sisterhood, know that it is an honor to fight beside some of the fiercest, strongest women, to learn from those who went before you and to help those joined after.

Blessings to all,
Laura

In Sickness and In Health

Many of you have the privilege to know my husband Scott. He is an amazing man. Scott is so many things. He is a talented graphic designer, a soldier, an amazing father, and my best friend. To say that I love him is an understatement. In fact, going through breast cancer with him by my side as my support and rock has made me fall even more deeply in love with him. His unwavering and unconditional love has helped me keep it together through this journey. He has loved me when I was completely bald and sick, still telling me how beautiful I was. He has helped me bathe, gone to the store for me and gone to 99% of all of my doctors' appointments (that's A LOT of appointments!) He went to every chemo proudly wearing his Laura's Tribe shirt. He has held me as I cried and dried my tears. There is no way in the world I could have done any of this without him. We are celebrating our 13th anniversary on April 12. God blessed me with a marriage of ups and downs but with the love to make it through them all. I love you Scott Moore. You are the love of my life!

The New Plan--No More Chemo!

I am usually a very flexible person. Change really doesn't faze me too badly. If my original plan deviates, I can normally go with the flow. However, my health plan is the exception.

When my oncologist says that I need 16 treatments, then I NEED 16 treatments. So when I went to have my normal Monday chemo treatment, I was thrown off when he said that we needed to hold off because of my neuropathy. My fingertips and nails were so painful I couldn't button my own shirt. Apparently the neuropathy can become permanent and as a writing teacher, hurting to hold a pencil was a problem. Dr. M wanted to consult his colleagues to decide how to proceed. (I LOVE my oncologist! He always calls me back himself and always listens to me.) Anyway, he called me on Tuesday to say that we were going to stop chemo and proceed to surgery. In that moment when I should have been elated to stop streaming poison into my body, all I could think of was, "this isn't part of the plan." What happens if we don't finish? Will the cancer come back? Will I need chemo again after surgery? I really didn't know what to think or how I felt.

That same night a new breast cancer sister took me to my first support group. These ladies helped me process through my thoughts and feelings. I definitely felt much better afterwards. I'm still a little on the fence about my feelings, but after seeing the plastic surgeon yesterday, I am getting excited. If we do the surgery earlier than I expected, it may fall around spring break which allows me to take off less days (that I don't have) so I don't get docked. It could be a really good thing. I'll have more time to heal before summer as well.

So for right now, it looks as if I will be having surgery any time after Feb. 24th. I don't have a date yet, but I'll keep everyone posted.

Much Love,
Laura

Ignorance is Bliss...Until it Isn't

Is this not the most beautiful wreath ever? Dori O'Neal made it for me. She took care of my cousin's twins as if they were her own since they were born and has been a part of their "framily" (My word for those friends so close that they may as well be related.) I love it, thank you for blessing me, Dori.

So I've heard that ignorance is bliss. Sometimes it is, but often it is a coping skill for denial.

When I was first diagnosed in October, all I could do was focus on the task at hand...and that was chemo. What would it be like? When will my hair fall out? Will I be able to work? What should I expect? How will my family and friends handle this? My world was full of questions and I could only really focus on that aspect of my cancer.

Sure I knew I was triple negative and that I didn't have any markers for hormone receptors. (That means that my cancer is not fed by hormones.) I bet you didn't know that there were multiple types of breast cancer? Neither did I until you're in it, or know someone who is. All this time, I've convinced myself that triple negative is the "easier" of the two. I won't have continued chemo pills, no port, no Herceptin for 5 years. When I'm done with all the chemo and surgeries, I'm done, or so I thought...

I finally started researching triple negative breast cancer. Here are some facts and tidbits. I know my cancer responds to chemo best because of its grade, but is also the kind more likely to reoccur in other parts of the body. After talking with my oncologist today and asking about how we go about screening for cancer over the next 5 years, the answer was vague. There are no tried and true ways to scan other than mammograms. The problem is that TNBC often shows up in other parts of the body, like the liver, bones, etc. I am worried that I will be hyper sensitive to every little ache and pain. Who knows? Maybe ignorance was bliss. 

Taxol- Round 2

This was my last "red devil" or Adriamycin from Dec. 4, just for those who are curious. 

I haven't blogged in a while and I realize I need to get back into it. So, my goal is a few short posts this week. Today is another round of Taxol. Round 2 of 12. If you want to know more about Taxol or its side effects check out the link. Taxol has sure been easier than AC (Adriamycin and Cytoxan.)

With my last round of AC I had a side effect called Hand and Foot Syndrome. This is where the chemo leaks out of the capillaries of your fingers and toes causing the skin to turn red and burn. They were so painful and sensitive but they are on the mend now. The skin on all my fingertips is peeling but that isn't nearly as bad as the burning.

Last week after my first round of Taxol, I felt really pretty good for a couple of days...but when the steroids wore off, I had some nausea and exhaustion (Christmas Eve.) Needless to say, this was not a "Mom of the Year" Christmas. I've just had to let go of the guilt.



So wish me luck today and say a prayer. I should get a great nap from the Benadryl they give me prior to treatment.

#strongistand

And the Saga Begins...

Updated***

Apparently I wrote this when I was drugged up. I editing and now my spelling shouldn't be so atrocious.

This one will be short. I'm not feeling great but I wanted to post an update. Today began the first of 16 rounds of chemo. I had no idea that there would be so much involved. So many bags of saline and drugs.

They gave me anti nausea meds but they aren't totally working. They gave me a bit extra and that helped, but made me sleepy. I crashed for four hours when I got home. I have a rockin' auto-injector for my shot tomorrow so I don't have to go back until next week.