It's Been A While...Update on the Next Step

I know, it has been a while since my last post. A lot has happened since the beginning of April when I last shared.

After my double mastectomy, I went through a series of fills. This is where they insert a HUGE needle into a port under the skin and fill the expanders. The purpose is to expand the skin in order to create a pocket for the final implants. The first expansion wasn't so bad. No big deal. But the second was another story entirely. I was in so much pain, I had to take the good pain meds again just to take the edge off. From there, my weekly fills weren't so bad. A little soreness, but nothing compared to that second time.

Dr. W filled them up with 800cc of saline (to capacity) so that he had some extra tissue to use for nipple reconstruction. Let's just say these babies are hard as rocks. And, 7 weeks later, the skin has stretched so that now I have low-hanging softballs on my chest! I am SO ready to get these things out. Uncomfortable is an understatement.

The good news is that next week is my "swap" surgery! They will take out the tissue expanders, lift my breasts and place the new implants that will sit high and perky. He assures me that they won't be as wide, but they will have more projection. I'll admit, I'm not totally sure what that means. I picture torpedo boobs, but I know Dr. W will make them beautiful. As a bonus, I'm getting out my Power Port (the ugly thing under my skin where they infused chemo). I am ridiculously excited about this prospect. At least the recovery should be way easier than my mastectomy.

I am often asked about how I felt having the mastectomy. Do I miss my breasts? Did I mourn the loss? Did I feel like part of my womanhood was missing? Did I cry?

The answer is different for every woman. No two of us have the same response or feelings.
YES I did miss them right after the mastectomy. I felt like something was missing. I was a DD when I went into surgery and an A when I came out. I felt boyish for a while but now, with the gradual fills, don't have that same feeling as before.

NO I didn't mourn my breasts. They have given me nothing but trouble all my life. First a breast reduction at 24 and now this.

NO I do not feel like a part of my womanhood is missing. My breasts do not make me a woman. (But these new ones are going to ROCK!)

NO I didn't cry. I think I got all that out at the beginning of this journey. Now when I cry it is for the immense gratitude I feel for my family and friends. They have given their time, support and continuous love through it all. My tears are those of joy and blessings.

So next Monday, say a quick prayer for me as I undergo the knife again. Thank you all for your comments, prayers and love. It is felt every day when I can say, "I'm cancer free!"

Much love,
Laura

In Sickness and In Health

Many of you have the privilege to know my husband Scott. He is an amazing man. Scott is so many things. He is a talented graphic designer, a soldier, an amazing father, and my best friend. To say that I love him is an understatement. In fact, going through breast cancer with him by my side as my support and rock has made me fall even more deeply in love with him. His unwavering and unconditional love has helped me keep it together through this journey. He has loved me when I was completely bald and sick, still telling me how beautiful I was. He has helped me bathe, gone to the store for me and gone to 99% of all of my doctors' appointments (that's A LOT of appointments!) He went to every chemo proudly wearing his Laura's Tribe shirt. He has held me as I cried and dried my tears. There is no way in the world I could have done any of this without him. We are celebrating our 13th anniversary on April 12. God blessed me with a marriage of ups and downs but with the love to make it through them all. I love you Scott Moore. You are the love of my life!

The "Girls" are Gone Part 2

So, I'm almost 2 weeks out of my double mastectomy surgery. I am SO ready to get these drains out. For those that do not know, they insert tubes around your breasts on the inside to drain any excess fluid and the tubes come out of your skin on your sides and drain into these ever so pretty bulbs. You then have to empty and measure the fluid twice a day. Yuck! This also means that I have to wear these gorgeous camis and bras with little pockets to hold the drains. Which means, not only do I not have breasts, but I also look lumpy at the same time!

Thanks to Wende and Jason for the loan of my "bed" the oh-so-comfy 1990's recliner! I have finally moved back to my bed at night but the recliner was still the best. I set myself a throne area. I have the remotes of course, books, chapstick, and my iPad. I was pretty out of it for a few days following surgery, but now, I'm feeling much better, just a bit sore still, and itchy!

I've realized that I have a hard time sitting still and recovering. I had to read a post on Facebook last night to remind myself that I am not being lazy, I am recovering. It is hard not to get up and do chores, clean the kitchen, etc. My mom was so good to remind me to take it easy and SIT DOWN!

I was so blessed to have my amazing mom in town for TWO WHOLE WEEKS! She is simply incredible. Laundry, taking care of me, sleeping on the couch so that she could help give me my meds in the night, playing with the grandkids, sewing, making cookies, cleaning the kitchen, and taking care of Stacy. I don't know how she does it all. My heart broke a bit when she left yesterday. I got so used to having her come up for all my rough AC chemos that we both went through withdrawals. The house was a little too quiet this morning. The kids back at school, mom and Stacy gone...just Scott and I here.

So...I am going to compile a list of things I'd like to do that I never make time for anymore while I am taking it easy and recovering.

watercolor painting, crafts, reading, writing, napping...that's a good start. :)

Laura

The "Girls" are Gone Part 1

Disclaimer: I am on some good pain meds so please disregard my grammar or spelling or even any bizarre comments.

Well, I am a few days out from surgery and I think I am healing pretty good.

On Wednesday morning, March 2, we headed to the hospital to be there by 5:30am. My friend Tracy's mom works at the hospital and arranged for me to be a VIP patient for my stay. They brought me hats and a prayer shawl while I waited to be called back. If you haven't heard of a prayer shawl, it is a shawl either crocheted or knitted where each stitch is prayed over.

We were called back to a tiny pre-op room where about 5 family members crowded around my bed, hugged, kissed and prayed for me. My doctor wanted me to be warm so they brought in a "blow up" blanket that resembled a swimming raft. The anesthesiologist gave me some meds to take the edge off which pretty much knocked me out and I have no recollection of anything after that.

Apparently the surgery went well. My family said that it was a little over 4 hours. Dr. A removed my sentinel node to test for cancer and none was detected. We are now waiting for pathoology from the tissue and other nodes that were removed. Wednesday was pretty much a blur. I react to meds by pretty much sleeping all the time. For example, I was eating dinner and I fell asleep with my fork in my hand with a food on it. I'm like a narcoleptic.  So if you saw me or talked to me on Wednesday, I probably don't remember it. I know I Facetimed with my kids so they could see my face. I don't remember what we talked about though.

Walking around was encouraged every 2-3 hours and I was slow. I slept well through the night except for the interruptions by the nurses doing vitals. I must throw in that I had wonderful service at Baylor Plano. The nurses, techs, food workers, everyone was so kind and friendly.

By the end of Wednesday, I still hadn't seen the incisions. I was very bandaged up and all I could tell was that I was flat as a pancake.

I'm starting to get a little sleepy now, so I'll pause and pick up in part 2. Thank you for all your many prayers, love, notes, Facebook posts, and hugs as I went through this next difficult step. I pray that everyone could feel as loved as I do.

Laura

Here We Go

It's about that time. I'm up early this morning, a little loopy from my anti nausea patch. I can't believe that today is the day. I'm listening to Oceans by Hillsing United and I know my faith is strong and I trust in Him to take care of me and comfort my family. I will be forever changed today.

Time is Ticking Down...

I am now feeling much better about the "new plan." Surgery is set for March 2! That is coming up so soon. I'm more excited at this point than nervous. I have a pre-op appointment with both the breast surgeon and plastic surgeon in the week prior surgery. Here is a video showing the options and how breast reconstruction works. I am not having any of the flaps, mine should be implants only.

I have also been watching some YouTube videos that show what the expanders look like after the mastectomy. I'll attach a link so if you are interested you can check it out. Here is one that is 3 months post-op. She shows what they first looked like after surgery and then how they look 3 months later. I wasn't prepared for how awkward they look and how hard. I've heard the expanders are really uncomfortable, but they look like solid rocks attached to your body.

I am starting to shop for satin jammies (they help you slide out of bed easier) and soft, loose, button front or zipper front shirts. I guess I can finish binge-watching House of Cards while I am laid up.

So let the countdown begin.

Much love to all of you.

Laura

The New Plan--No More Chemo!

I am usually a very flexible person. Change really doesn't faze me too badly. If my original plan deviates, I can normally go with the flow. However, my health plan is the exception.

When my oncologist says that I need 16 treatments, then I NEED 16 treatments. So when I went to have my normal Monday chemo treatment, I was thrown off when he said that we needed to hold off because of my neuropathy. My fingertips and nails were so painful I couldn't button my own shirt. Apparently the neuropathy can become permanent and as a writing teacher, hurting to hold a pencil was a problem. Dr. M wanted to consult his colleagues to decide how to proceed. (I LOVE my oncologist! He always calls me back himself and always listens to me.) Anyway, he called me on Tuesday to say that we were going to stop chemo and proceed to surgery. In that moment when I should have been elated to stop streaming poison into my body, all I could think of was, "this isn't part of the plan." What happens if we don't finish? Will the cancer come back? Will I need chemo again after surgery? I really didn't know what to think or how I felt.

That same night a new breast cancer sister took me to my first support group. These ladies helped me process through my thoughts and feelings. I definitely felt much better afterwards. I'm still a little on the fence about my feelings, but after seeing the plastic surgeon yesterday, I am getting excited. If we do the surgery earlier than I expected, it may fall around spring break which allows me to take off less days (that I don't have) so I don't get docked. It could be a really good thing. I'll have more time to heal before summer as well.

So for right now, it looks as if I will be having surgery any time after Feb. 24th. I don't have a date yet, but I'll keep everyone posted.

Much Love,
Laura