Here We Go

It's about that time. I'm up early this morning, a little loopy from my anti nausea patch. I can't believe that today is the day. I'm listening to Oceans by Hillsing United and I know my faith is strong and I trust in Him to take care of me and comfort my family. I will be forever changed today.

Time is Ticking Down...

I am now feeling much better about the "new plan." Surgery is set for March 2! That is coming up so soon. I'm more excited at this point than nervous. I have a pre-op appointment with both the breast surgeon and plastic surgeon in the week prior surgery. Here is a video showing the options and how breast reconstruction works. I am not having any of the flaps, mine should be implants only.

I have also been watching some YouTube videos that show what the expanders look like after the mastectomy. I'll attach a link so if you are interested you can check it out. Here is one that is 3 months post-op. She shows what they first looked like after surgery and then how they look 3 months later. I wasn't prepared for how awkward they look and how hard. I've heard the expanders are really uncomfortable, but they look like solid rocks attached to your body.

I am starting to shop for satin jammies (they help you slide out of bed easier) and soft, loose, button front or zipper front shirts. I guess I can finish binge-watching House of Cards while I am laid up.

So let the countdown begin.

Much love to all of you.

Laura

The New Plan--No More Chemo!

I am usually a very flexible person. Change really doesn't faze me too badly. If my original plan deviates, I can normally go with the flow. However, my health plan is the exception.

When my oncologist says that I need 16 treatments, then I NEED 16 treatments. So when I went to have my normal Monday chemo treatment, I was thrown off when he said that we needed to hold off because of my neuropathy. My fingertips and nails were so painful I couldn't button my own shirt. Apparently the neuropathy can become permanent and as a writing teacher, hurting to hold a pencil was a problem. Dr. M wanted to consult his colleagues to decide how to proceed. (I LOVE my oncologist! He always calls me back himself and always listens to me.) Anyway, he called me on Tuesday to say that we were going to stop chemo and proceed to surgery. In that moment when I should have been elated to stop streaming poison into my body, all I could think of was, "this isn't part of the plan." What happens if we don't finish? Will the cancer come back? Will I need chemo again after surgery? I really didn't know what to think or how I felt.

That same night a new breast cancer sister took me to my first support group. These ladies helped me process through my thoughts and feelings. I definitely felt much better afterwards. I'm still a little on the fence about my feelings, but after seeing the plastic surgeon yesterday, I am getting excited. If we do the surgery earlier than I expected, it may fall around spring break which allows me to take off less days (that I don't have) so I don't get docked. It could be a really good thing. I'll have more time to heal before summer as well.

So for right now, it looks as if I will be having surgery any time after Feb. 24th. I don't have a date yet, but I'll keep everyone posted.

Much Love,
Laura

My Chemo Playlist

This has been an emotional journey so far. Music seems to be something that sometimes speaks to you in the most emotional and intense situations. Have you ever had the right song come one at the right time that just sums up all your feelings? I have. 

Here is my playlist and how it has progressed through the school year. I hope you hear something that speaks to you as well. 

Before diagnosis, my song was Renegades by X Ambassadors. The words and the beat just spoke to me. I used this song as a close reading/ writing from a poem or song for LITcamp. It's awesome!

One that has been a song that I go back to often has been The Hurt and the Healer by Mercy Me. Just listen to the words. God wants to heal his children.

Of course we can't forget Fight Song by Rachel Platten.

Oceans by Hillsong United is what I listened to as I cried the entire drive to get my port placed. It was the day that my cancer became a physical reality. 

I can't remember who sent this song to me, but it is beautiful. Just be Held by Casting Crowns.

Another X Ambassadors song made it to the mix. It sums up how much I am having to be vulnerable and lean on others around me. Unsteady

One that I love that just puts me in a good mood is Lovely Day by Bill Withers. You can't help but sing along. 

My final song was added today. It is one that Joan Lunden mentioned in an article where she talked about Triple Negative Breast Cancer. Beautiful by Carol King.

Enjoy and I hope you found something that may have spoken to you. 

It's Harder Than it Looks

So this is the work that goes into concealing the real face of cancer. A little over three months into chemo and I am down to a few eyebrow hairs and eyelashes.

It's harder than it looks to get ready in the morning. You have to draw/paint on your eyebrows and master fake lashes. Fake lashes take more practice than I ever imagined. I've found some that I like but it still takes forever in the mornings. For those of you that say, "Man, you look great!" you don't see the starting point in the morning. Praise the Lord that I loved makeup before all this!

Ignorance is Bliss...Until it Isn't

Is this not the most beautiful wreath ever? Dori O'Neal made it for me. She took care of my cousin's twins as if they were her own since they were born and has been a part of their "framily" (My word for those friends so close that they may as well be related.) I love it, thank you for blessing me, Dori.

So I've heard that ignorance is bliss. Sometimes it is, but often it is a coping skill for denial.

When I was first diagnosed in October, all I could do was focus on the task at hand...and that was chemo. What would it be like? When will my hair fall out? Will I be able to work? What should I expect? How will my family and friends handle this? My world was full of questions and I could only really focus on that aspect of my cancer.

Sure I knew I was triple negative and that I didn't have any markers for hormone receptors. (That means that my cancer is not fed by hormones.) I bet you didn't know that there were multiple types of breast cancer? Neither did I until you're in it, or know someone who is. All this time, I've convinced myself that triple negative is the "easier" of the two. I won't have continued chemo pills, no port, no Herceptin for 5 years. When I'm done with all the chemo and surgeries, I'm done, or so I thought...

I finally started researching triple negative breast cancer. Here are some facts and tidbits. I know my cancer responds to chemo best because of its grade, but is also the kind more likely to reoccur in other parts of the body. After talking with my oncologist today and asking about how we go about screening for cancer over the next 5 years, the answer was vague. There are no tried and true ways to scan other than mammograms. The problem is that TNBC often shows up in other parts of the body, like the liver, bones, etc. I am worried that I will be hyper sensitive to every little ache and pain. Who knows? Maybe ignorance was bliss. 

Taxol- Round 2

This was my last "red devil" or Adriamycin from Dec. 4, just for those who are curious. 

I haven't blogged in a while and I realize I need to get back into it. So, my goal is a few short posts this week. Today is another round of Taxol. Round 2 of 12. If you want to know more about Taxol or its side effects check out the link. Taxol has sure been easier than AC (Adriamycin and Cytoxan.)

With my last round of AC I had a side effect called Hand and Foot Syndrome. This is where the chemo leaks out of the capillaries of your fingers and toes causing the skin to turn red and burn. They were so painful and sensitive but they are on the mend now. The skin on all my fingertips is peeling but that isn't nearly as bad as the burning.

Last week after my first round of Taxol, I felt really pretty good for a couple of days...but when the steroids wore off, I had some nausea and exhaustion (Christmas Eve.) Needless to say, this was not a "Mom of the Year" Christmas. I've just had to let go of the guilt.



So wish me luck today and say a prayer. I should get a great nap from the Benadryl they give me prior to treatment.

#strongistand